My first instinct when I heard the daily blog challenge was NO WAY! I didn't want to annoy people. I mean, do people even care that much what I have to say?...and do I even have something worth saying for THIRTY WHOLE DAYS? When I posted the query on facebook at the end of October, the unanimous voice was DO IT (and by unanimous I mean 6 people) and, as I really only need small assurances, that was enough for me to sign up.
It's flippin' hard! And it's brilliantly rewarding to find myself pushing 'publish' EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it's horribly depressing to watch my traffic stats. Because what I was afraid of happening is exactly what's happening.
Because I am being annoying.
And that annoys me.
I'm pouring it out here! What good's a pouring out if there's no one to drink?
I follow a blog that could, in my opinion, be defined as follows: brilliant, rude, hilarious, inspiring, crazy, honest. He posts something every day - sometimes more than that (C.R.A.Z.Y.) I enjoy every single thing of his I read (and if you check it out, be prepared for R-rated language and witty awesomeness). The problem is that no matter how much I like what he writes, no matter how much of his content is exactly what I'm looking for - I very often find myself frustrated when my email 'dings' with one of his new posts because I still haven't caught up on the last three days...and then I fall so far behind that I just have to ignore those and move forward...
See what I'm saying?
No, you don't - because you stopped reading on day 3.
And that hurts my feelings.
Of course, there are the faithful few (remember those six I mentioned?) I think they're still with me but as for the rest...disappearing into the ether of too-much-stuff-to-do-in-too-little-time.
And the site that invited me to NaBloPoMo? The one that promised me more traffic and a sense of community and 'we're in this together, let's all support each other'...guess how many people read my post on Monday from their site? 9.
NINE! Holy let down, Batman! (I actually had tears in my eyes while I wrote the last line of that post. I wasn't stupid enough to think my little story would change the world but I at least wanted to move someone.)
I've tried to convince myself that I write here just for me - that it doesn't matter if anyone else sees it because this is my therapy, this is my heart, and I'm really only a whole person when I'm writing...
Well, that's a load of crap!
I'm obsessive over my statistics and somehow base my worth (as a writer) on that. And this month's statistics? This month where I'm working harder than I've ever worked before, against a daily deadline that has me speaking topic ideas into my phone on the drive home from work...this month I'm watching a steady decline in my site traffic.
I am proud of the work I do here. I strive to create great content that will matter to people, while being honest about who I am, my values, my life and I am happy to put my name on the bottom of each post.
But what I really want is for people to engage. For people to comment. For people to agree, disagree, encourage, start conversations, tell me - just maybe - that I inspire them...for goodness sake, tell me I'm an idiot just so I know I'm causing any kind of ripple in this big wide sink-hole of an internet world.
Pride. That's all it is. I suppose a fall is coming...?
This is not me threatening to quit. This is not me begging you to pick me up and dust me off and tell me I'm amazing. This is me venting. This is me trying to be totally bare-naked-honest. This is me having nothing else to write about on day 13.
To my loyals: I ADORE YOU & COUNT ON YOU & LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG. To the one's I've annoyed: don't give up on me - I won't give up on you.
[NaBloPoMo Day 13]