It's Bwhy!

"Dander...Dander...DAAANDERRR!!!" His 6 a.m. voice echoes through our little house, amplified by the baby monitor beside my ear which I don't even need because I feel a warm one-year-old body stirring beside me in the bed...I wonder when she got there?  Or how?  I don't remember getting her.
Zander is righteously annoyed, engrossed in a Pokemon world that I don't even attempt to understand.  "What?" Like a growl.
"Dander - my underwear is BWHY!!!!!" and he's giddy over it.
Zander offers a half-hearted, "Good job," without missing a beat in his video game.
I can hear Liam's feet pad along the floor, approaching my room.  He's talking to himself.  "I have to tell mommy.  Mommy will be happy.  I have to tell mommy..."  I smile into my pillow and wait for him.
He enters my room.  "Mommy...Mommy...MOOOMEEEEEEE!!!"
I squint through one eye and wrangle up my best so happy to see you even though it's six o'clock and the sun is barely up and I'm tired and I'd just like to sleep for another three hours please smile.  "Morning, Liam."
"Mommy!!!" He can hardly contain it.  He's bouncing beside my bed.  "Mommy...my underwear is BWHY!!!!!!"  Pride is practically pouring off him.
"Great job, Liam.  That's amazing!" and I offer my hand, palm exposed for a high-five.
He slaps with vigor and a jump and it stings.
"You should go potty right away, Liam.  You probably have to go, right?"
"O-tay!" And he races off to the bathroom where there's a great shuffle and bang as he dances out of his Bob the Builder pajamas and climbs onto the toilet.  This in itself is a feat.  There's no simple settling of the bum on the seat.  No, with Liam there is the perfect arranging of the Sesame Street potty seat, the hoist up so he's standing on his seat, the placement of both feet on either side of that potty chasm, the trepidatious turn and the lowering of himself to a comfortable sitting position - all before the tiles are blessed with a piddle puddle.  It's practically an art.  He's a potty ballerina.
"Are you done, Liam?"
"No, I'm still peeing...it won't stop...it just teeps tuming."
"Good job, Liam!  Dry pants all day, okay?"
"O-tay!  I'm done!"
"Wash your hands."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy???????"  Pathetic fake pout and ugly scowl.  What a treasure he is!

Potty-training is the bane of my existence.  If there was any facet of parenthood that I would gladly relinquish this would be it.  It is tear-my-hair-out frustrating.  He is two months shy of turning four and four months shy of starting school.  Something had to give.

We were in the car on the way home from Great Grandma's 88th birthday party when I announced that beginning next week I was going to make him wear underwear because enough was enough and he was going to have to deal with the mess or stop being so lazy.  I told him that if he starts school wearing a Pull Up he would always be the diaper baby - even into high school.  He thought that was funny.  I told him they wouldn't let him go to school if he wouldn't use the potty.  He said, "I don't want to go to tool!"  I told him if he could wear underwear for a whole week and do his very best and try very hard we would have a Pull Up Burning Party and we'd build a big fire and wear feathers in our hair and dance and chant and throw pullups on the fire in some significant Leave the Baby Behind and I'm a Big Kid Now ceremony.  "O-tay!!!"

The next morning he came downstairs proudly sporting his Buzz Lightyear underwear.  "Look, Dander, I'm wearing underwear!"
"Cool."
I wasn't feeling overly confident.  We were going to church.  I was imagining scrubbing puddles from the foyer carpet.  "I'm gonna teep it bwhy all day!"  How could I discourage him now that he was actually excited about trying?
So we left him in the pre-school class, letting the volunteers know this was his first underwear day and he was fine.  He went on his own.  No problems.   We went to my sisters for lunch.  He went on his own.  No problems.  Just a "Mooomeeeee, wipe my bum!" Happy Mother's Day to me!

He insisted on underwear to bed.  I insisted on plastic under his sheets.  He said it sounded funny.  I said it was better than a wet mattress that smelled like pee.  He got up in the night on his own.  He almost made it too.  The floor in the hallway is really clean now.  I'm not asking for perfection - just an honest effort and I think we're on our way.  He didn't let his accident discourage him and last night he made it through.  "Mommy...my underwear is BWHY!!!!!!"

Tomorrow I'm off to buy feathers for the big burn.  You should come - it's going to be off the hook!  (Yeah, I didn't think I could pull that off either - let's just say, it'll be fun!)