My Whole Heart

by - September 26, 2011

Do you know that my favorite times are in the car?  Yellow dash perforating conversation far removed from distractions and misconceived priorities.  Sometimes I have so much to say, so much life I've lived beyond the shadow of your pursuits.  Joy.  Sorrow.  The way the tap sprayed off the cookie tray and soaked my t-shirt.

What if I vowed to always be honest?  What if I vowed to let it hit the fan?  Would I crumble without my armour?  Would it break you to see me broken?

Don't you dare doubt a moment of your place here.  I don't need you.  I've never needed you.  But I want you like a cocaine habit.  I miss you every moment life steals you away.  I look for you everywhere.  I chose you.  I choose you every day.  Not because I have to.  Not because the Bible tells me so.  Because I am so steeped in love for you that the idea of not feels like a cancer eating through my chest.  Because loving you has made me strong.  Strong enough to knock down this mountain like an anthill.  Strong enough to shrug off preservation and dive into this sea of truth.

You heard me.  I felt you, there in the dark, kissing a midnight tear that shone with hitting bottom.  We will stretch and change and it will hurt like hell but we'll be better for it.  Stronger for it.  Forever for it.

And here, upon the torn couch cushions, curled into comfort and one another, one request heard and tucked away - the other, heard and tickling your is our hope, here is our for better or for worse and I find peace in your arms, beneath grandma's old quilt, wrapped in honesty and the familiar and confidence in a future of searching for your eyes in a crowd and letting the finding wrap me in a warmth of belonging and assurance that there's no one else I'd rather write my story with.

We will not settle for contentment.  We will tear this place down until we reek of happiness.

This is my whole heart.

I will take it with me everywhere.  

                      are my heart.

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© Alanna Rusnak