If My Tear Ducts Weren't Frozen I'd Be Sobbing Right Now

by - March 13, 2014

 I could see my breath when I woke up this morning.

My first thought was that this was just like waking up in grandma's old farm house - the way the blankets were so warm but my nose was like ice.

My second thought was that the fire must have gone out over night.

My third thought was what if we put heated cork floors in the basement?

I leave my bedroom to find Zander and his best friend on the couch, piled beneath a mountain of blankets. 

"It's freezing!" I say.


"Why didn't you sleep upstairs?"

"It's colder up there!"

Of course this makes no sense because upstairs is heated by the furnace and Zander's room has been the warmest space of all.

I climb the stairs and feel the temperature lower as I reach the top. It's like I'm sliding into cold water. I check the thermostat. Twelve degrees.  Twelve! The air pushing through the vents is freezing.

"If we're out of propane again, I'm going to scream!" I say, as I pull on my boots and march outside.


I don't scream but I feel panic working up in my stomach.

It's only been a month. We filled that monster ONE MONTH AGO!

Anger feels like vomit and worry makes me nauseous and this is the first moment that I've actually missed that tiny little house in town with its electric baseboard heaters

I call my dad and he agrees with me - we should not be out after such a short time.

I call my husband because I don't know what to do and he's angry because 'of course we shouldn't be out AGAIN!' and I want to cry and I feel it building but I can't because my tear ducts are frozen.

I contact The Boss and tell him I'm not coming to work - I have to figure this out - I have to warm up the house - I have to have my breakdown in the privacy of my own home.

I build up a huge fire like I'm trying to signal the Russian Space Station. I clean the fan filter again so that more warm basement fire air will make its way upstairs unhindered. I plug in the old garage heater by the dining room table so I can try and get my work done. I make coffee. I make tea. My fingers are frigid as I type.

If My Tear Ducts Weren't Frozen I'd Be Sobbing Right Now - SelfBinding Retrospect by Alanna Rusnak

 Sweater, scarf, quilt, slippers, hot drink, heater. My seasonal rage alone should warm me up.

And outside the sun shines. What a devil!!! Spring is the evasive mistress of winter-weary souls!

If My Tear Ducts Weren't Frozen I'd Be Sobbing Right Now - SelfBinding Retrospect by Alanna Rusnak
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  1. I am with you there. We finally got our new furnace but we don't have gas yet so it is still expensive electric.
    I do have an extra oil radiator electric heater thingy if you want to use it

    1. I think this has been a tough winter for everyone! Thanks for the offer of the heater. So far, the wood stove is keeping us warm enough but I'll let you know if we get desperate!

  2. Marie BezeauMarch 15, 2014

    I love you my friend!!! And very much hate winter ;)

  3. I'm a little late to your misery! Oh My! I lived in an old house once without central heat. I was so scared of fires that I refused to use the space heaters at night. I can remember waking up and seeing my breath, but never twelve degrees! I'm a sissy when it comes to the cold. I would have been making all of those phone calls from bed!

    1. We've kept the fire ROARING so it hasn't been so bad. But I am SO DONE with winter!!!

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