My Feelings are a Rainbow [or Jennifer Lopez, Please Sing Me a Lullaby]

Welcome to the world. It's not the world you remember and it's probably not the world you want, but it's all we've got so we'd better hang on.

Every day feels like Thursday. We're bouncing between sunshine and snow. Gas is cheap but we have nowhere to go. Numbers matter, but not like they used to. We're counting down to something, but no one is sure what that is...

It has been 40 days since the last baseball practice; 39 days since we learned Tom Hanks was sick; 38 days since it was announced that schools wouldn't open after March Break; 37 days since the June conference I was booked to speak at was cancelled; 36 days since I held my breath, waiting to learn if my sister was able to get back into Canada from Seattle; 35 days since my first Zoom staff meeting; 34 days since Ontario declared a state of emergency and started enforcing social distancing; 33 days since my husband has been able to play pool; 27 days since I sobbed in the car; 21 days since parks and trails were closed; 19 days since we pulled our van out of winter storage and then realized we couldn't take her anywhere because everything is shut down; 17 days since God sent us a rainbow to remind us He was still there...somewhere; 14 days since we started online home-school; 13 days since our septic system flooded our basement with sewage water; 10 days since my mother knocked on our patio door and then stood back six feet while I collected the bag of Easter treats she'd set down on the deck; 9 days since we got to watch a recovered Tom Hanks host a weird SNL episode from his kitchen; 4 days since my son's summer trip to Europe was cancelled; 3 days since we dug up our backyard to find the root of the problem in our sewer pipe (pun intended!); 1 day since Jennifer Lopez made me believe in humanity's capacity to survive.

There have been memes circulating about how introverts were made for times such as these—how we've been training for this our whole life. And it's true. To a point. I've been watching my fellow introverts posting about their free time and productivity and the wealth of creativity they've been able to tap into. And I'm just sitting here in my home office with my CORONA typewriters 😳, trying to catch my breath, and what even is free time?

I am lucky to be wildly busy with work. We are lucky that my husband signed a full-time contract with the Catholic school board just before the world shut down. You are lucky that my son works at the grocery store and is keeping the shelves stocked so your pantry doesn't go bare.

But I'm also jealous of the free time I'm seeing people brag (or complain) about. I want a chance to be bored. I want to write and read. I want to sit in the sunshine. I want Michelle Obama to take the reins for our floundering neighbours and I want to appreciate Justin Trudeau's quirky little eye squint he does when he answers a question. I want to watch all the Toy Story movies because suddenly it means more that Woody has a voice; and I want to listen to The Gambler because Kenny Rogers will never sing it again.

The new normal is anything but.  

There have been beautiful moments in all of this. I have laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face—I adore my family and can't believe how lucky we are to be stuck together—but I've also experienced real moments of grief and anger. I'm worried about rebuilding. I have deadlines I don't feel motivated to reach. I put on jeans once a week to make sure this body is still my body. Yesterday, I drove my son to work in my pajamas and flip flops.

Last night I watched 'One World: Together at Home' and Jennifer Lopez's version of People knocked on the door of my heart. Because that's the whole truth. People need people. We're in this together. And we will see the other side.

I have no answers and that's frustrating. But I do have hope and faith and love and ideas. I've been surviving for forty days and forty nights.

I think it's time to start living.

Stay safe out there friends.

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If you'd like to read something a little less 'poor me' and a little more inspiring, pop over to this post I made on the Blank Spaces website: ART IS THE ANTIDOTE: FINDING PEACE THROUGH CREATIVITY.

If you're interested in learning about where I'm at with my latest novel, you can track with updates on the Black Bird website: WWW.BLACKBIRD.ALANNARUSNAK.COM