Tuesday, November 26, 2013

When A Speck Is A Plank & Google Saved The Day

ecclesiastes 3:4, a time to cry, a time to weep, a time to laugh, tear, crying, something stuck in my eyeWithin minutes of waking this morning there was a violent shard of something angry in my eye. I couldn't see it. Nobody else could see it. But seeing isn't always believing.  I could feel it. 

I rinsed. I flushed. I used drops. I said pretty-please-with-a-cherry-on-top.

Nothing but a speck, I'm sure. How can teeny tiny hurt like that? How can itty bitty be the size of a 2x4 stabbing me like a coloneol war. 'Pardon me, sir, but your bayonet is caught in my cornea...'

Tears leaked down my cheek on the way to work as I blinked against intrusion and I could feel the slow growth of swelling and the warmth of my whites slowly turning red.

I sat at my desk, holding a tissue in my palm like a grandma, keeping my door mostly closed - not only to keep the heat in but to prevent people from passing by and placing their hand over their heart and tilting their head to the left and asking, "Who died?"

"My eye! My eye died and came back to haunt me with jagged jerk fingernails!"

I slipped to the washroom a number of times, hoping to finally see the invader and have him deported.

Not a chance.

By that point it was boring directly through my eye to my brain. I know because my vision was fuzzy and vision is probably the first thing to go when a porcupine tunnels it's way through your orbit.

Finally, because I was annoyed, frustrated, fed up with six hours of leaking tears (AND BECAUSE IT HURT, DARN IT!) I did what any sane person in this awesome age of technology does: I googled it:

Dear Google, I have something stuck in my eye and it won't come out and it really hurts. Can you help me? Please? Pleeeeeeease? *whimper*whimper*tear*

And Google said, "Oh, you poor, poor dear, nothing would fulfil me more as a heartless non-human than helping relieve you from your pain.  Have you tried flushing your eye with water?"

Yes, Google, yes I have, several times actually *sniffle*tear*

"What about looking at your eye ball in the mirror to try and see the foreign object?"

DUH!

"Well, then try lifting up your upper lid and pulling it down over your lower lid and rolling your eye around."

SERIOUSLY? That's stupid!

"Trust me," Google said. "I am like a billion brains all rolled together. I know what I'm talking about! I'm like Sheldon Cooper on crack!"

So I tried it - sitting at my desk - tears still leaking around my fingers as I followed the advice of a faceless wiseacre.

And it worked!

Google, you clever creature, if you were capable of a high five your hand would still be stinging with my enthusiasm!

So, I'm cured. At least of the alien that was harvesting tears to replentish the water supply on Mars. I'm still left with a red, swollen mess that makes me look a little like Quasimodo but as long as I don't wake up with a hunchback tomorrow, I'll count myself lucky. (I don't think Google would be ready for that one.)

[NaBloPoMo Day 26]

10 comments :

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    1. Happy to amuse you with my pain ;)

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  2. Absolutely love this article, Alanna! I love your way with words. You captivated me from the beginning line and kept me hanging on to the ending!

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    1. Thanks, Cassie! No better therapy than making fun of my own pain :)

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  3. Excellent post. This happened to me last week but I already knew that trick. Maybe I'm better than google. Not serious, that was practically sacrilegious

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  4. You are so "true" and honest in your writings ... I totally felt the tears, pain and frustration .... Also chuckled at your expense .... Look forward every day to read your "heart" :)

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    1. There's nothing like making fun of myself to get over annoyances!

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  5. Too funny Alanna - this sometimes happens with me and my contacts. I feel your pain!

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    1. I can't even imagine something under contacts...ew! and ouch!!! Thanks for the sympathy :)

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